constellations

 i have to apologize--even if just to future jessie, who will inevitably read back over this ages later to at the very least, cringe--i hate that i have only taken the couple of minutes to write anything publicly when i've been through something difficult. life is so much more, and i promise i know it. 

little struggles

i've been really terrible at keeping up with this. work has been really apeshit; we are shorthanded by two people every day and i have mostly been able to manage it but i've had a couple of really bad flare ups with this body that hates me sometimes and i don't want to complain. but my whole body hurts so bad and i can't afford to take any time off so i'm just kinda managing. but i'm grateful and love my job. 

i feel a little lost though. i work really hard to get through each day, and i appreciate that my work fam supports me and has my back, but i'm a softie and it's hard to shake things off sometimes. i had to hold my favorite dog when it was his time to go and his owners couldn't stand to be there. i slow danced to Africa by Toto with him in my arms til it was time for him to go. and he's happy and finally at peace with comfort, but man, it's hard sometimes. 

i'm also at this weird place in my life where i feel like i'm just going through the motions and feeling a little lost. i feel like i'm missing something. but i suppose it's a rite of passage. we are the bridge to the next plane sometimes. that helps. but mourning is important too. i say a lot of prayers these days. 

on chicory

 time is moving along. i recently found myself lucky enough to get a job working with animals at a veterinary hospital, and while i am so grateful, that's a story for another day.

most days are good; today was brutal. 

we had a lovely old cat who came in yesterday afternoon very sick. i spent what little downtime i had with her because she seemed to respond well to touch. we kept her overnight with fluids and medicine medicine and this morning started so well--she started eating again and moving around a bit. then we got a call from her family saying they'd decided overnight to put her down. it was crushing, but they didn't want her to be in pain anymore. 

eleven am rolled in, and while i was outside giving a quick bordetella vaccine to a pug, i noticed a man holding a cat carrier outside in the rain, talking to her in such a soft voice for such a muscular, broad guy. i promised i would be right back out for him. i came back out and asked him what was going on; he'd just recently gotten her from a friend who died unexpectedly--he said it was a sign because he had always wanted a cat. her name was chicory. i took her carrier and promised him we would take good care of her and that he could go--we'd call him as soon as we knew anything.

i took her into room two, opened the carrier, and tried to coax her out. she just let out a sad cry and was breathing raggedly and smelled like something ominous i couldn't place, so i picked her up and set her on the baby scale and she just kind of ...collapsed. i only kind of remember that i yelled for help and shauna ran in and went white and grabbed the doctor for me. 

the doctor walked up as i was trying to take deep breaths while comforting this sweet girl. she frantically started patting down the cat, looked me in the eyes, and said "this cat is actively dying. right now. she's pale because she's bleeding out somewhere." within maybe thirty seconds she'd located a big, hard mass lodged in her lower abdomen. likely a tumor she had been growing well before her original owner died. we immediately gave her some medicine to keep her going and comfortable enough while we waited for her owner to walk back.

many protocols and procedures were broken today. we let him come straight in to the hospital table with the heating pad where we were treating her. we all tried to keep our composure; i broke first when bringing him some water, having known his story. the doctor told him his options, but there weren't really any. 

i'm a person of hyperbole, i know, but when i say heartbreaking is not a strong enough word, i mean it with all of the heart i have left. when her owner said he'd just gotten her and couldn't even keep her alive, i had to excuse myself. i went out back and stole four minutes to cry alone (well, i guess the sky was sobbing a bit too), then went back in to help. we're supposed to be professional, but i couldn't help but pat his back a bit and remind him that this was long before him and he had done everything he could do and said a prayer in my head that he would be okay and that someday he would feel up to trying again.

everything was so somber after that. we had just ordered food as a group beforehand; i don't think any of us really ate when it came. we all stayed a bit teary-eyed and tried to mentally prepare to put down our hospital cat right after. we got her prepared and put in the catheter, and her family came. she'd been lethargic for days, but tried to walk right up to them with the catheter in, meowing. after a few minutes of deliberating, they decided to give us a few more days to try and make her better before giving up. so thankful for small mercies. 

and again and again, life goes on. i'll never forget this man and his chicory, who simply drew a difficult hand in life. sometimes things just aren't fair. but there are so many good things too and it's important not to let the darkness overtake the light, no matter how strong the eclipse. 

made me a tree

covid vaccine two has officially kicked my ass. i know it will be worth it and i'll be better soon, though. but every time exhaustion sets in, i succumb to weakness and let myself feel my feelings too hard. it's been four months; a third of a year. and i still think of my dad and feel his cold, dead hand in mine first before i force myself to hear his laugh and feel his warmth. 

please don't let this happen to me, universe. use my body any way that could benefit others, and share the rest with the earth with no pretense. maybe plant a tree and let it feed from my minerals. or just sprinkle my bones into the gulf. or shoot me into space. 

life might not have been super easy, but i will be in love with living until the end. that's how i would like people to remember me. 

in the beginning there was no sin

I put on a really good mask most of the time. 

I hold it together for everyone else. somehow I had to pick up the tough mantle for the family. i try my very best to listen and process and use whatever strength I have to keep us all going and moving forward. yet I'm selfish by nature and my goal is to atone for those habits.

I do know there is a lot of beautiful in the world. this is the one life we have and we have to make the best of it. maybe I've made a lot of mistakes, but I can still benefit this world somehow and I'm going to stumble my way through until I do so. feeling sad for myself doesn't help shit. 

just fine

 oof I am really bad at this. I quit sharing this thinking I would keep up with it better, but somehow even I am not super interested in me even though I'm my own biggest fan. Someone has to be.

I got my first vaccine! I physically feel like shit because they let me get it early, but I'm grateful. 

I'm not sure what else is on my mind lately. I'm pretty tired all of the time. I've been working hard but have little to show for it other than I'm finally becoming more hourglass shaped again and less stay puft marshmallow gal. 

One thing I have learned lately is that no matter how hard you try, sometimes you find that your kind of awkward is just obnoxious to others and that it's okay if people you thought you could be close to don't see you that way. I've had a couple of instances lately where I haven't taken enough care about choosing my words and came across like an asshole. I've apologized to everyone involved in each instance, yet I also understand that intention is not an excuse and everyone's feelings are valid. 

I've also learned that you're never too old or clumsy to learn new skills. I've been practicing learning how to draw. And trying to relearn the splits (left leg front split down! Right splits not so good). And I'm rereading a lot of books I've forgotten. Just trying to better myself. I have to re-teach myself that I'm a better person than I think I am.  

one step at a time, though. just keep going :)

a votive

all the little nerves in my body seem to be asking me to go home, but that home doesn't exist anymore. I accept that. I'm mostly okay with it.

I have spent this whole year in lockdown trying to make the best of things and make the best of me and it's so hard not to be selfish and get angry that somehow things have only become worse. I know I can't give up, and I won't. but due to another bit of bad luck, the little bit of safety net I have has disappeared and I don't know what to do. I don't ever even need much. 

I will do whatever I have to to get by, but it's hard not to feel a little defeated and a lot embarrassed, and I'm honestly so nervous and scared more often than not. all of the sudden it's all gone from okay, but not much to completely fucked.

tomorrow is a new day, though. all I can do is keep trying and laughing at it all and taking small moments to disassociate from my selfishness and soak in the beauty that is the world without ego. 

cold hands warm heart

i took the train home to see my family this weekend. now we're snowed in. it's 16°f. in south louisiana. the trains aren't running and the interstate is closed. we've never had snow that stuck before. 

my mom and i have had to have a lot of very difficult conversations this weekend. apparently since dad didn't think he needed a will, i have to be consulted on things i never expected, making things even more difficult for my mom.

she mentioned that she and dad got engaged over valentine's day weekend. my oldest cousin, four at the time, told my mom that dad had a ring in his pocket. she never told him she knew. 

he drove her out to this little restaurant called Grandma's House where they had their first real date. they got there and it was burned down. so they drove out to the camp for disabled kids in anacoco where they met as counselors. he asked her to marry him that valentine's weekend. it was snowing. 

i saw her face with the snow behind her as she realized the gravity of it all and i will never forget it.

staring at the ceiling sky

i might have been a little bit wrong. 

i do not think that i am quite ready.

but i have to go.

and i will.

but i am so exhausted and could use a good wish or prayer from anyone out there.

 i am taking a train in the morning to go home for the first time since the funeral services. i am panicking a little bit. but i am strong or whatever.

so i got covid. okay now mostly! just so tired all of the time. it's hard enough just to try and work on life and actual writing projects, let alone continue to leave myself notes here, but i said i would, so i will try. things have been a little tough lately, yet i get little bursts of energy where i feel like my old self and try and open up as much as i can before the walls go back up. i am trying. i will keep trying. i am still in here. 

so i thought maybe a good way to heal would be to step away from my own shit and maybe help boost up others. i have been trying so hard but i am so utterly, thoroughly exhausted

nothing seems to be distracting enough lately, even sleep

my mom and my brother both have covid

i am sure they will be fine

turn order

little gifts. it's been three days since my last pre-sunrise anxiety attack. i am slowly learning to push through and realign myself. then again, i fight sleep until it defeats me. baby steps. shit happens. grow from it. 

talk about it, even if it is to no one and everything you say sounds stupid. send it out and let it go.

one thing i think i needed to learn is that sometimes it is healing to talk to different people, even when you don't feel up to it. i have been trying so hard not to push people away. i spent some time speaking to some friends i don't know so well with similar interests under a guise of helping someone out. turns out i laughed a lot and felt a bit more like myself and maybe i was the one who needed help. 

you might feel alien and misunderstood and kinda pointless sometimes, but that doesn't mean that you are.