digging the goodness from the soil

this is so dumb, but now that my giant, tough, indestructible dad (who i always thought was 6'5, but his old driver's license i now keep in my wallet says 6'4; still giant) is gone, i can't help but wondering what we lost from his colossal heart that we didn't know about. 

i am so incredibly grateful that a group of my dad's friends (and fans?) started this super kind Facebook group where everyone has been uploading pictures and videos of him, mostly playing music. it still hurts, but fuck, am i lucky to have that.

now i keep thinking--we could all die any day. and that's fine and beautiful and the circle of life. hopefully the next plane is gentle and kind and exciting. then again, if i am being completely truthful, i have always had recurring waking dreams that this simple life is the life i wished for last time somehow? whatever, dreams are probably just that. either way, i have made a lot of mistakes.

so, maybe that is the best use of this weird box i type into here late at night. i want to start sharing memories here i don't want to get lost in the aether, even if they're embarrassing or silly or whatever. 

here's a short one: we lived in a little yellow wooden house for my whole life between the trailer and the house my parents--i guess my mom--live in now. when my little brother was three, we were jumpstarting the minivan before church and he climbed in, put both his little hands on the pedal, and drove the van into the house. he left a hole in the carport.

about a year after, i raced my dad to the truck before school and got stung by a wasp on the handle. we found out after that a giant nest had set up above said carport. i am pretty good with pain, but turns out i was mildly allergic and it hurt so badly. dad kinda laughed at me (he was a football coach; stand strong, put some ice on it), but i couldn't even do a handstand walkover at dance practice the next day and my teacher used it as an example to point out that because i had ...blossomed too early, i would not have the body they wanted and dancing was not going to be a career for me. i was eleven, maybe twelve? but i took that to heart and let it go.

a couple of days later, dad took me aside and told me he needed to talk to me. i remember so acutely thinking he was going to be upset with me for wanting to move on from something that didn't bring me the same joy anymore because i was giving up and i blurted that out immediately.

he reiterated as he always did; you just have to do your best at something and keep trying if you fail. if you give that and don't feel happy after, it's okay to accept it isn't for you and keep searching. 

turns out, he got stung by a wasp in the same nest taking it down and apparently it really hurt. i just panicked as i do trying not to disappoint him, but i was so far off. 😂 

life is full of so many tiny moments that make all your tenderness worth it. don't shrivel up or disappear. just live to make the best tiny mark on the ones you love that you possibly can, i guess. 

waking up better/talking about myself a lot

all i can say about this holiday is that it was a little or a lot more difficult than i was prepared for, but that life goes on if you're lucky. 

i still argue with sleep throughout the night and wake up with a coldness in my chest; an awkward knot of wondering why, and how, and what do i do until i can shut off my thoughts again. and i know i have it better than most; i do. i know it. 

i am learning that time truly is the most generous healer, and that it's okay to stumble through that time however you can. i just wish i were better at it already 

christmas

i wrote something like eight thousand words.

i read and reread it and realized i had to let it go. 

this year has been so incredibly difficult for so many. it's looped around to the point that i have to worry about those who feel they can't vent and release the struggles in their lives because it all seems relatively unimportant. 

please let me just reiterate that that's not how life works. your feelings are just as valid as anyone's. and hopefully you get as lucky as i have and discover you've had the network you needed to help you keep going all along.

this holiday season feels very different in so many ways, but the essence is the same. love those dear to you and make sure they know. that's all you can do. whether we're thick as thieves or just tiny cosmic blips in each others lives--i'm grateful. 

sending all the love i've got.

winter solstice

when i was born, my parents lived where they met; in the forests of anacoco. i've spent most my life since waffling between thinking i need the steady pulse of a city beneath my feet and an opposite, quiet dream of trees and a clear sky filled with stars. 

we carry on

i promise i am an okay writer, but maybe not here. i am trying to use this to release little bits of things i want to let go. 

today was tough. my grandmas both have covid, and ruby's got the covid pneumonia in both lungs so she's at St. Pat's. after a few attempts, i finally got through to a nurse who made it clear she's as stubborn a Cajun lady as she's ever been, so hopefully she'll be okay. one day at a time, they say. 

mawmaw ruby--this woman got threatened by the KKK at her bank job in the 1960's for training a Black woman to work as a teller in the deep south. they cried together then they stood fast and then eventually trained a custodian to work as a teller too. they both worked there decades longer than my grandma, who switched to my nursery school and then school bus driving once her family grew larger. 

she forgets things sometimes now, but she still remembers how she felt back then, and how she feels that people don't respect God if they judge each other, and i am so glad she shared these memories with me. 

to be vulnerable

i write things and delete them and start all over again. it's hard not to be afraid of your feelings and easy to want to disappear a little bit. we're all just stardust anyway. 

learning to process without alienating your loved ones

 I'm having so much trouble sleeping and I'm exhausted. I keep waking up in a panic and having to fight to distract myself enough to fall back asleep.

Vulnerability is a terrifying thing when it's honest. I've worked so hard to feel confident enough with myself to open up more easily so that others could feel comfortable enough to do the same with me. I am generally fine to embarrass myself to make someone else laugh, whatever. Any real dream I've ever had of who or what I want to be always boils down to the same base; to find threads to connect me to others and learn their stories, I guess. I love people. I have always wanted to meet everyone and experience everything.

Things feel so different now. I pride myself on being a problem solver, of always being able to find a way through. This, however--I can't seem to figure out what to do. My dad died two weeks ago. I thought I'd be better at this by this point, but I'm still struggling to tread water. Everything feels so heavy. I can't imagine how my mother feels. I can't talk about it. Sometimes I barely say anything at all; sometimes I pour out and can't quite stop dripping like a shitty faucet.

I have been trying so hard to balance it out between friends; I'm constantly worried I've said or been too much. It's always been an insecurity of mine as I tend to get overly excited when talking to people I feel connected with, but I've made a conscious effort as I've grown to learn to quiet that a bit and make sure people know i am listening to them and truly interested--just awkward. At least I'm moderately hot and still have nice boobs.

These days I've been so scared that the people I love will forget the better me that is actually good at being there for others, or at the very least always here to give you no bullshit pep talks to remind you what's great about you. I know I'm good at that. My dad taught me how important it was to let people know that you love them and why, even if it sounds cheesy. But lately I quietly panic and overthink everything I say and worrying I'm bitching too much. Probably psychologically has something to do with protecting my heart after losing someone I love so much or whatever,  but logical reasons aside, I'm still raw and scared and hurting and very bad at putting on my whole normal exaggerated bravado.

I promise I thoroughly know how there are so, so many people going through so much more right now. People have lost their entire families and livelihood to COVID and war and lack of basic necessities and even though I feel like I'm at rock bottom, I have everything I need and I will be okay and back on my bullshit eventually, no matter how hard I have to work to get there.