I'm having so much trouble sleeping and I'm exhausted. I keep waking up in a panic and having to fight to distract myself enough to fall back asleep.
Vulnerability is a terrifying thing when it's honest. I've worked so hard to feel confident enough with myself to open up more easily so that others could feel comfortable enough to do the same with me. I am generally fine to embarrass myself to make someone else laugh, whatever. Any real dream I've ever had of who or what I want to be always boils down to the same base; to find threads to connect me to others and learn their stories, I guess. I love people. I have always wanted to meet everyone and experience everything.
Things feel so different now. I pride myself on being a problem solver, of always being able to find a way through. This, however--I can't seem to figure out what to do. My dad died two weeks ago. I thought I'd be better at this by this point, but I'm still struggling to tread water. Everything feels so heavy. I can't imagine how my mother feels. I can't talk about it. Sometimes I barely say anything at all; sometimes I pour out and can't quite stop dripping like a shitty faucet.
I have been trying so hard to balance it out between friends; I'm constantly worried I've said or been too much. It's always been an insecurity of mine as I tend to get overly excited when talking to people I feel connected with, but I've made a conscious effort as I've grown to learn to quiet that a bit and make sure people know i am listening to them and truly interested--just awkward. At least I'm moderately hot and still have nice boobs.
These days I've been so scared that the people I love will forget the better me that is actually good at being there for others, or at the very least always here to give you no bullshit pep talks to remind you what's great about you. I know I'm good at that. My dad taught me how important it was to let people know that you love them and why, even if it sounds cheesy. But lately I quietly panic and overthink everything I say and worrying I'm bitching too much. Probably psychologically has something to do with protecting my heart after losing someone I love so much or whatever, but logical reasons aside, I'm still raw and scared and hurting and very bad at putting on my whole normal exaggerated bravado.
I promise I thoroughly know how there are so, so many people going through so much more right now. People have lost their entire families and livelihood to COVID and war and lack of basic necessities and even though I feel like I'm at rock bottom, I have everything I need and I will be okay and back on my bullshit eventually, no matter how hard I have to work to get there.
Grieving for a loved one can be one of the most anguishing, lonely, mind-numbing and torturesome things we ever have to go through. It infuses itself to our very subconscious and affects us both frequently and whenever we least expect it.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in being vulnerable. It is honesty in itself and one which requires greater strength than what we normally allow the world to see in ourselves. Wanting to open up is the first step towards achieving this and managing it is the second. More so when it is done with such grace.
To want to find what connects you to others, to learn their stories, to experience what they have lived and what the world has to offer... your dream is a truly beautiful one. It's a love of life. It's a dream worth living and one you should never give up on.
You're going through a very painful and traumatic part of your life and it will take you quite a bit of time to process through the grief and learn how to find a way through it. There's no shame in not knowing what to do or feeling lost. It's only natural you feel this way. Don't try to force yourself to talk about it as you will only find it more difficult and then struggle the next time you try to. Wait until the time is right so it feels natural and you are comfortable doing so. Your mum will likely feel the same way. In the meantime, keep telling her you love her and that you will all get through this together. She will need you and her family more than ever and just knowing you are there for her will help more than you know. Never be afraid of how much you let out. You're grieving and you have that right. No one can ever judge you for it.
Never worry about if you've said or been too much. During this time, it is only natural you might say or do more than usual and your friends will know you well enough that even if you have been, it is only because you are grieving. Too little or too much, they will be fully supportive and will listen to you no matter what. You are considerate, respectful and selfless. You are as much a friend to them as they are to you. You have nothing to be scared of as the people you love and who love you will not forget who you are. Maybe it's our time to give you no bullshit pep talks to remind you what's great about you.
Your dad gave you great advice and it's one that's often underappreciated in today's society. He knew what mattered in life and he wanted you to know this. I know you understand this and will follow his advice, not just because he gave it you but because it's something you believe in.
Don't worry about panicking or overthinking everything you say or do. It's only natural you might feel or act this way as your thoughts and emotions have blended with each other and gone into overdrive from grieving. You will subconsciously be trying to separate and regain some level of control over them but there will be moments you might think or say something more than you normally would. This does not mean you are wrong. Those who love you will understand and will know the fact you are worrying about this proves how much you care. Your concern is your compassion.
Don't worry about not being able to put on your whole normal exaggerated bravado. It is only natural you will be raw, scared and hurting. Those who love you are not just there for the bravado you put on, they are there for all of you no matter what side you show. They will understand this and will support you no matter what happens or what you go through. Friendship and love is understanding, compassion and dedication. It is there without hope, without witness and without reward. Be who you are in the moment and they will support you no matter what.
Mark
You have those who love you who will help and support you through this. It will take some time, but with taking each day as it comes you will eventually get there. Take as much time as you need and only when you feel ready and comfortable you can take the next step. It will take a lot of work to get through this, but you will come out stronger for it and be back to your best.
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