just fine

 oof I am really bad at this. I quit sharing this thinking I would keep up with it better, but somehow even I am not super interested in me even though I'm my own biggest fan. Someone has to be.

I got my first vaccine! I physically feel like shit because they let me get it early, but I'm grateful. 

I'm not sure what else is on my mind lately. I'm pretty tired all of the time. I've been working hard but have little to show for it other than I'm finally becoming more hourglass shaped again and less stay puft marshmallow gal. 

One thing I have learned lately is that no matter how hard you try, sometimes you find that your kind of awkward is just obnoxious to others and that it's okay if people you thought you could be close to don't see you that way. I've had a couple of instances lately where I haven't taken enough care about choosing my words and came across like an asshole. I've apologized to everyone involved in each instance, yet I also understand that intention is not an excuse and everyone's feelings are valid. 

I've also learned that you're never too old or clumsy to learn new skills. I've been practicing learning how to draw. And trying to relearn the splits (left leg front split down! Right splits not so good). And I'm rereading a lot of books I've forgotten. Just trying to better myself. I have to re-teach myself that I'm a better person than I think I am.  

one step at a time, though. just keep going :)

a votive

all the little nerves in my body seem to be asking me to go home, but that home doesn't exist anymore. I accept that. I'm mostly okay with it.

I have spent this whole year in lockdown trying to make the best of things and make the best of me and it's so hard not to be selfish and get angry that somehow things have only become worse. I know I can't give up, and I won't. but due to another bit of bad luck, the little bit of safety net I have has disappeared and I don't know what to do. I don't ever even need much. 

I will do whatever I have to to get by, but it's hard not to feel a little defeated and a lot embarrassed, and I'm honestly so nervous and scared more often than not. all of the sudden it's all gone from okay, but not much to completely fucked.

tomorrow is a new day, though. all I can do is keep trying and laughing at it all and taking small moments to disassociate from my selfishness and soak in the beauty that is the world without ego.