made me a tree

covid vaccine two has officially kicked my ass. i know it will be worth it and i'll be better soon, though. but every time exhaustion sets in, i succumb to weakness and let myself feel my feelings too hard. it's been four months; a third of a year. and i still think of my dad and feel his cold, dead hand in mine first before i force myself to hear his laugh and feel his warmth. 

please don't let this happen to me, universe. use my body any way that could benefit others, and share the rest with the earth with no pretense. maybe plant a tree and let it feed from my minerals. or just sprinkle my bones into the gulf. or shoot me into space. 

life might not have been super easy, but i will be in love with living until the end. that's how i would like people to remember me. 

in the beginning there was no sin

I put on a really good mask most of the time. 

I hold it together for everyone else. somehow I had to pick up the tough mantle for the family. i try my very best to listen and process and use whatever strength I have to keep us all going and moving forward. yet I'm selfish by nature and my goal is to atone for those habits.

I do know there is a lot of beautiful in the world. this is the one life we have and we have to make the best of it. maybe I've made a lot of mistakes, but I can still benefit this world somehow and I'm going to stumble my way through until I do so. feeling sad for myself doesn't help shit.