so be it i'm your crowbar

i rarely tend to let myself want for much anymore. i used to want everything all of the time, and it's strange this is the one thing of which i practice temperance and patience. it's easier to have hope for more vague desires than particular ones. less chance of facing complete emotional destruction yet again. alas, it seems i can't help myself. let me just say, i'd been doing so well for so long, but lately i think i'm wishing so hard over some things i can't control to where i've literally (no bullshit; i know what literally means) dreamed about them every time i've tried to sleep for the last few nights. it's enough to make anyone feel a bit uneasy.

i kind of forgot about this place here i've used previously to ramble into the trauma void until it came up a couple times in the last week--varied instances. i laughed on my bartending shift talking about early 2000s LiveJournal with a customer. he mentioned spending too long deciding what to put for current mood and song to attach; i told him mine was usually "pensive" and the songs are still the same. there's humor to be found in low-level melodrama. especially when there's a sweet dalmatian celebrating her tenth birthday at the other end of the bar. i'll never not appreciate the lovely things too.

--- actually, i'm cutting out a few hundred words from here as i don't want them to lose the authenticity that comes from talking to those you love outright. just imagine some floundering, then me yapping about how i'm struggling and still not ready to talk about what's happened in my work life etc, but i'm so indebted to a few people who have been more than i deserve lately. it's close enough ---

but for now, i wait. i turn on the air conditioning i can barely afford so i can bury myself in a blanket nest and tell my thoughts to fuck off. i stretch myself and take at least one hot salt bath a day to try to coax my stubborn body into giving me some respite; that's kind of working, at least. i finally joined the library and have been renting miyazaki films and reading books about Being Better and seeing the Bright Side of Things. i'm trying really hard; i'm okay. nature is blooming. no matter how dark the night, morning always comes. my resolve is relentless. dog birthday party.